Mother: Why are you jumping up and down?
Tom: I've just taken some medicine and I forgot to shake the bottle.
妈妈：你为什么不停地跳上跳下的？
汤姆：我刚吃完药，可我忘了先摇瓶子了
Mother: Freddie, why is your face so red?
Freddie: I was running up the street to stop a fight.
Mother: That's a very nice thing to do. Who was fighting?
Freddie: Me and Jackie Smith.
妈妈：弗雷迪，你的脸为什么那么红？
弗雷迪：我刚才在大街上跑，为的是阻止一次打架
妈妈：你做的对，谁和谁在打架。
弗雷迪：我和杰克·史密斯。
Let me take it down
An elephant said to a mouse ,"no doubt that you are the smallest znd most useless thing that Ihave e ver seen ."
"Pless ,say it again .Let me take it down ."the mouse said ."I will tell a flea what I know.
为我所用
一头大象对一只小老鼠说：“你无疑是我见过的最小、最没用的东西。”
“请再说一遍，让我把它记下来。”老鼠说。“我要讲给我认识的一只跳蚤听
Teacher: Tom, why are you late for school every day?
Tom: Every time I come to the corner, a sign says, "School-Go Slowly".
老师：汤姆，您为什么每天上学迟到？
汤姆：我每次路过拐角，一个路标上面写着："学校----慢行。"
A friend and I were standing in line at a fast-food restaurant, waiting to place our order. There was a big sign posted. "No bills larger than $20 will be accepted."
我和一个朋友在快餐店排队订餐，那里很醒目地写着，不接受超过20美元的大钞(请自备零钱)。
The woman in front of us, pointing to the sign, remarked, "Believe me, if I HAD a bill larger than $20, I wouldn't be eating here."
我们前边的一个女士指着这个牌子对我们说：“上帝保佑，如果我身上有超过20美元的话，我一定不会在这儿吃饭!”
One student to another: "How are your English lessons coming along?"
"Fine. I used to be one who couldn't understand the English men, and now it's the English men who can't understand me."
一位学生对另一位说：“你的英语最近学的怎么样?”
“很好，我过去不懂英国人说话，现在是英国人不懂我的话了。”
Policeman: Why didn't you shout for help when you were robbed of your watch?
Man: If I had opened my mouth, they'd have found my four gold teeth. That would be much worse.
警察：有人抢你的手表时，你为什么不呼救呢？
男子：要是我张口的话，他们就会发现我的四颗金牙。那就更糟了。
Everyone who thinks you're stupid, stand up
A teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks you're stupid, stand up!"
Little Johnny then stood up.
The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Johnny?"
"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"
谁认为自己蠢就站起来
一个老师在对学生们讲心理学，“谁认为自己蠢就站起来?”她一开始就说。
小约翰尼站了起来。
“你认为你很蠢吗，小约翰尼?”老师问。
“不是的，老师，我只是不喜欢看你
Vaudeville actor Oliver married Churchill's daughter Sarah. Churchill and Oliver are not very congenial. One day Oliver took the initiative to talk to his father-in-law and asked who he admired most in the Second World War. Churchill clearly replied, " Mussolini. Oliver was shocked and asked, " Why? Churchill said openly: " He has the courage to shoot his son - in - law. "
He told the joke so poorly that he had to explain the punch line twice.
他那个笑话讲得很差,所以他必须重复解释其中好笑的部分。
I won't hurt you 我不会伤害你
One day, a man brought in an African Grey Parrot to have its beak and wings trimmed. The owner warned that the bird disliked these procedures and was apt to bite. I donned thick gloves and cautiously opened the cage. The parrot stepped out and, looking up at me, said, “Don't worry, I won't hurt you.”
有一天，一个男子带着一只非洲灰鹦鹉来修剪它的嘴和翅膀。他警告说，这只鸟不喜欢这个过程，会咬人。我戴上厚厚的手套，小心翼翼地打开鸟笼子的门。这只鹦鹉走出来，抬头看看我说：“别担心。我不会伤害你。”
Sheep Stranded on a Hill 围在小山坡上的羊
My family raises sheep and cattle in the Midwest. One day a flash flood filled the ravines and left my sheep stranded on a hill. My relatives arrived with ropes, boats and floats, and struggled through the raging waters to try to coax the animals into the boats, with no luck. By sundown, however, the sheep had eaten the grass around them. They stepped into the water, swam past the speechless men in the boats, climbed up the other side of the ravine and trotted to the nearest field.
我们家在中西部养羊和牛。有一天发大水，水填满了深谷，把我的羊围在一个小山坡上。我的亲戚们带着绳索、小船和漂浮物赶来帮忙。他们和大水搏斗，哄诱动物上船，却不成功。然而，到了日落时分，羊把它们周围的草吃光了，就走进水里，游过船上一言不发的人们，爬上深谷另一面的山坡，小步走向最近的草场。
Windshield Wiper 雨刷
The windshield wiper blade on the driver's side quit while driving in a blinding storm. I pulled over and tried to figure out a quick fix. I found a yellow cotton work glove lying on the floor. I wedged it under the wiper arm. It did a great job keeping my windshield clear. Not only that—you'd be surprised at how many people waved back.
在一场倾盆大雨中开车，驾驶座这一侧的雨刷胶皮突然坏了。我停到一边，看看有没有应急的办法。我看到地上有一个黄的棉纱工作手套。就把它塞到雨刷杆的下面。它还挺好用，不但把挡风玻璃刷干净了，而且出乎意料地使许多人向我招手。
Please step off the plane 请下飞机
To pass the time while our plane was being de-iced, the flight attendants played a trivia game with the passengers. They asked us to guess the total number of years the three of them had worked for the airlines. After an attendant collected our estimates, we heard the announcement: “The correct answer is 26 years. For the two people who came closest with 28 years, we have prizes. And as for the passenger in seat 12F who guessed 85 years—would you please step off the plane once we are airborne.”
当我们的飞机在除冰的时候，空中小姐跟乘客做一个小游戏打发时间。她们要我们猜她们三个人总共在航空公司工作了多少年。一位空中小姐听了我们的估计数之后，宣布结果：“正确的答案是26年。有两位乘客答了28年，最接近正确答案。我们有奖品给他们。坐在12排F座的乘客猜了85年。请他在我们升空以后下飞机。”
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