1
So, how was the office
birthday party?
2
Oh, it was delightful.
3
The frosting on the cake
was this thick.
4
And Eugene Fisk-
my poor sucker of an assistant-
5
didn't know the fruit punch
was spiked...
6
and he really made
an ass of himself...
7
putting the moves on the new girl
in Valve Maintenance.
8
- Does this girl like him?
9
I have to warn you, Marge,
10
I think the poor young thing
has the hots for yours truly.
11
- Homer.
12
Just keeping you
on your toes, babe.
13
Two hundred and thirty nine pounds!
Oh, I'm a blimp.
14
Why are all the good things
so tasty?
15
From now on,
exercise evey morning.
16
You're not a blimp,
Homer.
17
You're my big
cuddly teddy bear.
18
Aw, baloney. Yeah, right.
19
Oh, give me a break.
20
Wow, cool, man!
21
Oh, no!
22
Two hundred
and thirty nine pounds?
23
I'm a whale.
24
Why was I cursed with this weakness
for snack treats?
25
Well, from now on,
exercise every morning, Homer.
26
Oh. Don't strain
yourself, dear.
27
Good idea, Marge.
28
By the way,
this Friday night...
29
I'm gonna be attending a little
get together with the boys at work.
30
Eugene Fisk is marrying
some girl in Valve Maintenance.
31
Homer, is this
some kind of stag party?
32
No, no, Marge.
It's gonna be very classy.
33
A tea-and-crumpets
kind ofthing.
34
Eugene Fisk.
Isn't he your assistant?
35
- No! My supervisor.
- Didn't he used to be your assistant?
36
- What is this, the Spanish Inquisition?
- Sorry, Homer.
37
- Uh-oh, it's the "fe-mailman. "
38
Female carrier, Bart.
39
Lady, where's my spy camera?
40
- "Where's my spy camera?"
- Where's my spy camera? Where's my spy camera, lady?
41
- Evey day for the last six months-
- Where's my spy camera?
42
Where's my spy camera?
Where's my spy camera?
43
Here's your
stupid spy camera!
44
Oh.
Thanks, ma'am.
45
Whoa, man.
Look at the size of this thing.
46
I wonder
if it really works.
47
'Cause I got
a lot of spying to do.
48
Bart!
What are you doing?
49
Sorry, Dad.
The answer to that is top secret.
50
- Oh, Bart.
- What?
51
Go take some wildlife pictures
or something.
52
Ew, gross.
53
Mom, Bart was taking
a picture of his butt.
54
Oh, sure. Like I'm really gonna
take a picture of my butt.
55
Stop it, you two.
And put on some nice clothes.
56
Since it'sjust
the four of us tonight,
57
- we're having dinner at The Rusty Barnacle.
- Yea, fried shrimp!
58
Aw, Mom. Can't we just
grab a burger at-
59
Only four of us?
Who escaped?
60
Your father.
He's having a boys' night out.
61
Justas I was asking myself,
62
"Where did my seven-year-old
boy get the money...
63
for a Father's Day present?"
64
I opened the box.
65
And inside was little
Eugene's baseball glove.
66
- He had given me the one thing...
67
t
hat mattered most to him
in the whole world.
68
Eugene, when I see you- the one thing
that matters most to me in the whole world-
69
married tomorrow,
70
I'm going to know
just how you felt that day.
71
- I love you, Dad.
- I love you, son.
72
Where am I,
the planet Cornball?
73
Hey, don't worry. Things are gonna pick
up once the entertainment gets here.
74
- Ooh, entertainment.
- Yes, sir.
75
Ahoy! I spy
the children's menu.
76
- Ahoy, this place bites.
- Bart.
77
So, what's it gonna be,
me little bucko?
78
Hm, let's see.
79
This evening
I shall go for the...
80
- squid platter,
- Ew.
81
- with extra tentacles, please.
82
- Oh, Bart. Excuse me, sir.
83
The party next door seems
to be a little raucous.
84
Could you please ask them
to quiet down a little bit, please?
85
Aye, aye.
86
Eh, eh, eh, eh.
87
Hey, ty to keep
it down, guys.
88
- Okay?
- Hey, shut up.
89
Open the door and lie on the floor
said Barnacle Bill the sailor
90
Hmm.
91
Here you go.
92
There you are.
For the baby.
93
And one squidplatter,
extra tentacles.
94
- Bart, quit fooling around and eat your dinner.
- Yeah, eat it, Bart.
95
Ugh. May I please be excused
for a minute?
96
Okay, but don't dawdle.
Your food will get cold.
97
Okay, Eugene.
98
One last taste
of bachelor freedom.
99
Presenting
Princess Kashmir,
100
queen of the mysterious East.
101
Now this is
what I call a party.
102
How do I tell you this, my boy?
We're in hell.
103
Look at him squirm.
104
- You care to dance?
- She wants you, Homer.
105
- Go for it, Homer!
106
Shake his buns.
107
I'm sorry.
I don't usually laugh like this.
108
Ai, caramba.
Wow, man.
109
Oh, this is the most fun
I've ever had in my life.
110
The meeting of the Future Photographers
of america is now in session.
111
We would like to welcome
our new member, Bart Simpson.
112
Whoa. People, people.
Don't applaud. Let's get to work.
113
My goodness.
Quite exciting.
114
- Extremely sensual.
- The subtle graytones recall the work of Helmut Newton.
115
Who's the sexy lady,
Bart?
116
Beats me. But the guy dancing
with her is my pop.
117
- Wow!
- He brings to mind the laterwork of Diane Arbus.
118
Bart, I'd really appreciate
a print of your masterwork.
119
- Me too.
- Yeah, come on.
120
Sorry, guys.
No can do.
121
Aw. Oh.
122
Come on, Bart. You're gonna make me
a print, aren't you?
123
Will you swear not to let another
living soul get a copy of this photo?
124
- Okay. Yep.
- Cross your heart and hope to die?
125
- Stick a needle in your eye? Jam a dagger in your thigh?
- Yep. Yep.
126
Eat a horse manure pie?
127
- Yep.
- Well, okay.
128
- Pst. Look what I got.
- Whoa. I gotta have a copy of that.
129
- Sorry.
- Aw, come on.
130
Well, okay.
131
Hey, Bart. How c
ome Milhouse gets a
copy of your girlie picture and I don't?
132
- I thought I was your friend too.
- Well, okay.
133
Son, why are you wasting your time
with this sleazy trash?
134
Sorry, Dad.
135
Wait till I show
the guys at work this little doozy.
136
Mike, this is Al.
137
Just wanted to thank you for the
"informative memo" you faxed me.
138
Whoops. Here comes the boss.
Gotta go.
139
Reverend Lovejoy,
your wife confiscated this...
140
- from one of the boys in the choir.
141
Why this sheep has strayed
from my own flock. His name's-
142
Homer Simpson, sir,
a low-level employee...
143
- in sector 7-G.
- Simpson, huh?
144
- A family man?
- Wife and three kids, sir.
145
I'd like to see our self-styled
Valentino tomorrow morning, Smithers.
146
What are we laughing at?
147
One glazed and
one Scratch-'N-Win, please.
148
You look familiar, sir. Are you
on the television or something?
149
Sorry, buddy. You got me confused
with Fred Flintstone.
150
Oh. Liberty Bell.
151
Another Liberty Bell!
152
One more and I'm a millionaire.
153
Come on, Liberty Bell,
please, please, please.
154
D'oh!
That purple fruit thing.
155
- Where were you yesterday?
- Hey, hey. Looking good.
156
- What do you want, pal?
- Hey mister.
157
Do, do, do, do, do
158
Do dee do dee do
159
Well, a "do dee do dee do"
to you too, pint size.
160
Jeez, you get
a lot of nutcases in here.
161
Oh, sir, I've seen things
you can't imagine.
162
- Hey, hey, hey.
- I hear you, buddy.
163
Whew. Full moon.
164
- Hmm. Still got it.
165
- What is the meaning of this?
166
Meaningless, Marge. Don't even
attempt to find meaning in it.
167
There's nothing between me
and Princess Kashmir.
168
- Princess who?
- Hey, my photo.
169
- Your photo?
- Uh-oh.
170
- Why you little-
- Why you big-
171
- Bart, go to your room.
- I'm out of here.
172
- Look, Marge, honey, baby, doll, I-
- Homer,
173
I don't even want
to look at you right now.
174
- What are you saying, honey?
175
- But where will I sleep?
- My suggestion...
176
is for you to sleep
in the filth you created.
177
Would a motel be okay?
178
Oh, I knew you'd
come to your-
179
Here. If you have any soul left,
you'll need these.
180
I know I will.
181
What's the matter, Homer?
Hottest ladies' night in months...
182
- and you're not even checking out the action.
- Oh, Moe.
183
My wife gave me the old heave ho
because of some lousy picture.
184
- What, this one?
- D'oh!
185
- So, uh, where are you staying tonight, Homer?
- Motel, I guess.
186
Oh, no.
No pal of mine is gonna stay...
187
in some dingy flophouse.
188
Ah.
189
If you get hungy
in the middle of the night,
190
there's an open beer
in the fridge.
191
Look, Barney.
See the row of tiny lights up there?
192
The middle one
is my house.
193
Someone must have left
the porch light on.
194
Hey that's rough,
pal.
195
Hello, Marge.
196
- You left your damn porch light on.
- Barney!
197
Homer's not
made of money, you know.
198
- Who is this?
- Don't listen to him, Marge. He's-
199
- Oh, it's you.
- Oh.
200
Homer, you're overwrought.
201
Why don't you
unwind a bit?
202
Party down the hall.
203
You know, this
apartment complex caters...
204
to upscale young singles like me.
205
No, Barn. I just want
to crawl into bed.
206
Suit yourself, Homer.
Nighty-night.
207
I wonder when
Dad's coming home.
208
Homer Simpson.
209
Homer Simpson.
Report at once to Mr. Burns' office.
210
Oh, no.
211
What in blue blazes
do you think you're doing, Simpson?
212
- What do you mean, sir?
- I mean this.
213
- A plant employee carrying on...
214
like an oversexed
orangutan in heat.
215
This is a family
nuclear powerplant, Simpson.
216
Our research indicates
that over 50 percent of our power...
217
is used by women.
218
I will not have you offending my
customers with your bawdy shenanigans.
219
It won't happen again, sir.
I promise.
220
- May I get out of your sight now?
- Just a second, Simpson.
221
Smithers, would you leave
the room for a minute?
222
Yes, sir.
223
Simpson,
224
I am by most measures
a successful man.
225
I have wealth and power beyond the
dreams of you and your clock-punching ilk.
226
And yet, I've led
a solitay life.
227
The fair sex
remains a mystey to me.
228
You seem to have
a way with women, a certain-
229
how shall I put it-
230
animal magnetisme.
231
Help me, Simpson.
232
Tell me your secret.
233
Uh, Mr. Burns, in spite
of what eveybody thinks,
234
I'm no lover boy.
235
Simpson,
I'm asking you nicely.
236
- I don't really know, sir.
- Simpson!
237
Well, I wine them,
I...
238
dine them,
bring them flowers,
239
write them lovepoetry, sir.
240
Of course.
241
It's simplicity itself.
242
I won't forget this,
Simpson.
243
Now return to your work and tell
no one of what transpired here.
244
- Anybody home?
- Hi, Daddy.
245
Welcome back, Dad.
246
- How's your mom?
- Still kind of ticked off.
247
Yeah.
Good luck, man.
248
Oh, thanks, boy.
249
Hello, Marge.
250
It's me, Homer.
251
Are you still mad?
252
You are still mad.
Don't need to say it.
253
I'm your loving husband.
I can read you like a book.
254
I'll just have
some milk.
255
Look, I'm not drinking
out of the carton.
256
Come on, Marge! Please forgive me.
257
I'm sorry.
I'm so sorry.
258
Homer, you don't even know
why you're apologizing.
259
Yes, I do.
Because I'm hungy,
260
my clothes are smelly,
and I'm tired.
261
I've been
thinking, Homer,
262
and you know what bothers me
the most about this whole thing
?
263
You taught Bart
a vey bad lesson.
264
Your boy idolizes you.
265
- Oh, he does not.
- Yes, he does, Homer.
266
And when he sees you
treating women as objects,
267
he's going to think
that it's okay.
268
You owe your son
better than that, Homer.
269
So what should I do, Marge?
270
Well, I think you
should take Bart...
271
to meet this exotic
belly-person.
272
I want him to see
that she's a real human being...
273
with real thoughts
and real feelings.
274
I want Bart to see you apologize
for the way you treated her.
275
Okay. Your wish is my command,
my little-
276
Do it!
277
Princess Kashmir?
You must mean April Flower.
278
She's working
over at the Girlesque.
279
See, I'm tying to teach my son here
about treating women as objects.
280
Oh, that's a good idea.
281
Uh, but April's over
at Foxy Boxing tonight.
282
Just let me say
that it is an honor...
283
to have Springfield's number-one
swinger here with us to-
284
Forget that.
285
I'm teaching my boy a lesson.
Is she here or not?
286
Uh, ty Mud City.
287
- We're gonna ty one more place,
the Sapphire Lounge.
288
Bart! I said look
at the floor.
289
...he really loves me-
290
There she is. Hey, Princess, it's me,
the guy from the snapshot.
291
Oh. Oh, hi.
292
Places, ladies, places.
293
Can I get just a little
cooperation? It's show time.
294
I'm here because I want to apologize
for treating you like an object.
295
- Uh-huh.
- I also want my boy...
296
to find out that you're more
than just a belly.
297
I want him to meet the woman behind
all the spangles and glitter...
298
and find out that she has
thoughts and feelings too.
299
- Oh, well, okay. But can we make it quick?
- Nice to meet you, ma'am.
300
Could you tell him
a little about yourself?
301
- Well, uh, my real name
is Shawna Tifton. - Uh-huh.
302
- My pet peeve is rude people.
- Uh-huh.
303
- And my turn-ons include silk sheets...
- Uh-huh.
304
- and a warm fireplace.
- Thank you very much, ma'am.
305
We'll be on our-
306
- I've heard them say so often
307
They can love
their wives ooh
308
But I think
that's just foolish
309
Men must have hearts
310
Made of stone
311
Now my heart is made
312
- Cool, man.
- Of softer stuff
313
- Get out of my cage.
314
- My boss will freak out.
- Oh, no.
315
- A pretty girl can't look my way without
- Don't. Don't!
316
- Don't. No.
- Get out. Get out of here.
317
- Get your hands off.
318
A new romance
319
Oh I could love
a million girls
320
And every girl a twin
321
I could love a Chinese girl
an Eskimo or-
322
Get off of my stage,
fat boy.
323
Hey, it's the guy from the picture.
324
- Homer Simpson!
- Sorry, partner.
325
I didn't recognize you
at first.
326
Ladies and gentlemen,
it's an honor...
327
t
o have a real swinging cat
with us tonight.
328
Homer Simpson,
party guy.
329
- Mr. Maestro.
330
Oh I could love
a million girls
331
And every girl a twin
332
Yeah I could love
a Chinese girl
333
An Eskimo or Finn
334
I could dig a Deutschland chick
a girl with golden curls
335
In fact I think
that we could love
336
About a million girls
337
Heh. Hey.
338
Ooh. Look out.
339
Yeah.
340
- How does he do it, Smithers?
- He's a love machine, sir.
341
Da, da, da
342
Way to go, Dad.
343
Uh-oh.
Wait a minute.
344
Wait a minute.
Stop the music.
345
Quiet, please.
I have something to say. Quiet.
346
You with the hair,
down in front.
347
Oh, no.
He's sunk even lower.
348
I have something to say
to all the sons out there.
349
To all the boys, to all the men,
to all of us.
350
It's about women,
351
and how they are not mere objects
with curves that make us crazy.
352
No, they are our wives,
353
they are our daughters,
our sisters,
354
our grandmas, our aunts,
our nieces and nephews.
355
Well, not our nephews.
356
They are our mothers.
357
And you know something, folks?
As ridiculous as this sounds,
358
I would rather feel the sweet breath
of my beautiful wife...
359
on the back of my neck
as I sleep...
360
than to stuff dollar bills
into some stranger's G-string.
361
Am I wrong?
Or am I right?
362
My wife gets the cutest little thing,
right here, when she smiles.
363
- This is my Suzie.
- Oh, she's so cute.
364
Here's mine.
365
You know, my mom sounded
a little down the other day.
366
I'd better
give her a call.
367
- Homer.
- Marge.
368
All right, folks. Show's over.
No more to see, folks.
369
Come on. Only sick people
want to see my folks kiss.
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