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A Mysterious Visit

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AMysteriousVisit
ThefirstnoticethatwastakenofmewhenI"settleddown"recentlywasbyagentlemanwhosaidhewasanassessor,andconnectedwiththeU.S.InternalRevenueDepartment.IsaidIhadneverheardofhisbranchofbusinessbefore,butIwasverygladtoseehimallthesame.Wouldhesitdown?Hesatdown.Ididnotknowanythingparticulartosay,andyetIfeltthatpeoplewhohavearrivedatthedignityofkeepinghousemustbeconversational,mustbeeasyandsociableincompany.So,indefaultofanythingelsetosay,Iaskedhimifhewasopeninghisshopinourneighborhood.
Hesaidhewas.[Ididnotwishtoappearignorant,butIhadhopedhewouldmentionwhathehadforsale.]
Iventuredtoaskhim"Howwastrade?"Andhesaid"So-so."
Ithensaidwewoulddropin,andifwelikedhishouseaswellasanyother,wewouldgivehimourbusiness.
Hesaidhethoughtwewouldlikehisestablishmentwellenoughtoconfineourselvestoit—saidheneversawanybodywhowouldgooffandhuntupanothermaninhislineaftertradingwithhimonce.
Thatsoundedprettycomplacent,butbarringthatnaturalexpressionofvillainywhichweallhave,themanlookedhonestenough.
Idonotknowhowitcameaboutexactly,butgraduallyweappearedtomeltdownandruntogether,conversationallyspeaking,andtheneverythingwentalongascomfortablyasclockwork.
Wetalked,andtalked,andtalked—atleastIdid;andwelaughed,andlaughed,andlaughed—atleasthedid.ButallthetimeIhadmypresenceofmindaboutme—Ihadmynativeshrewdnessturnedon"fullhead,"astheengineerssay.Iwasdeterminedtofindoutallabouthisbusinessinspiteofhisobscureanswers—andIwasdeterminedIwouldhaveitoutofhimwithouthissuspectingwhatIwasat.Imeanttotraphimwithadeep,deepruse.Iwouldtellhimallaboutmyownbusiness,andhewouldnaturallysowarmtomeduringthisseductiveburstofconfidencethathewouldforgethimself,andtellmeallabouthisaffairsbeforehesuspectedwhatIwasabout.Ithoughttomyself,Myson,youlittleknowwhatanoldfoxyouaredealingwith.Isaid:
"NowyouneverwouldguesswhatImadelecturingthiswinterandlastspring?"
"No—don’tbelieveIcould,tosaveme.Letmesee—letmesee.Abouttwothousanddollars,maybe?Butno;no,sir,Iknowyoucouldn'thavemadethatmuch.Sayseventeenhundred,maybe?"
"Ha!ha!Iknewyoucouldn't.Mylecturingreceiptsforlastspringandthiswinterwerefourteenthousandsevenhundredandfiftydollars.Whatdoyouthinkofthat?"
"Why,itisamazing-perfectlyamazing.Iwillmakeanoteofit.Andyousayeventhiswasn'tall?"
"All!Whyblessyou,therewasmyincomefromtheDailyWarwhoopforfourmonths—about—aboutwell,whatshouldyousaytoabouteightthousanddollars,forinstance?"
"Say!Why,IshouldsayIshouldliketoseemyselfrollinginjustsuchanotheroceanofaffluence.Eightthousand!I'llmakeanoteofit.Whyman!—andontopofallthisamItounderstandthatyouhadstillmoreincome?"
"Ha!ha!ha!Why,you'reonlyinthesuburbsofit,sotospeak.There'smybook,TheInnocentsAbroadprice$3.50to$5,accordingtothebinding.Listentome.Lookmeintheeye.Duringthelastfourmonthsandahalf,sayingnothingofsalesbeforethat,butjustsimplyduringthefourmonthsandahalf,we'vesoldninety-fivethousandcopiesofthatbook.Ninety-fivethousand!Thinkofit.Averagefourdollarsacopy,say.It'snearlyfourhundredthousanddollars,myson.Igethalf."
"ThesufferingMoses!I'llsetthatdown.Fourteen-seven-fifty—eighty-twohundred.Total,say—well,uponmyword,thegrandtotalisabouttwohundredandthirteenorfourteenthousanddollars!Isthatpossible?"

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"Possible!Ifthere'sanymistakeit'stheotherway.Twohundredandfourteenthousand,cash,ismyincomeforthisyearifIknowhowtocipher."
Thenthegentlemangotuptogo.ItcameovermemostuncomfortablythatmaybeIhadmademyrevelationsfornothing,besidesbeingflatteredintostretchingthemconsiderablybythestranger'sastonishedexclamations.Butno;atthelastmomentthegentlemanhandedmealargeenvelope,andsaiditcontainedhisadvertisement;andthatIwouldfindoutallabouthisbusinessinit;andthathewouldbehappytohavemypatronage—would,infact,beproudtohavethepatronageofamanofsuchimpressiveincome;andthatheusedtothinktherewereseveralwealthymeninthecity,butwhentheycametotradewithhimhediscoveredthattheybarelyhadenoughtoliveon;andthat,intruth,ithadbeensuchaweary,wearyagesincehehadseenarichmanfacetoface,andtalkedtohim,andtouchedhimwithhishands,thathecouldhardlyrefrainfromembracingme—infact,wouldesteemitagreatfavorifIwouldlethimembraceme.
ThissopleasedmethatIdidnottrytoresist,butallowedthissimple-heartedstrangertothrowhisarmsaboutmeandweepafewsoothingtearsdownthebackofmyneck.Thenhewenthisway.
AssoonashewasgoneIopenedhisadvertisement.Istudieditattentivelyforfourminutes.Ithencalledupthecook,andsaid:
"HoldmewhileIfaint!LetMarieturnthegriddle-cakes."
Byandby,Icameto.Ah,whatamiscreanthewas!His"advertisement"wasnothingintheworldbutawickedtax-return—astringofimpertinentquestionsaboutmyprivateaffairs,occupyingthebestpartoffourfools-cappagesoffineprint-questions,Imayremark,gottenupwithsuchmarvelousingenuitythattheoldestmanintheworldcouldn'tunderstandwhatthemostofthemweredrivingat—questions,too,thatwerecalculatedtomakeamanreportaboutfourtimeshisactualincometokeepfromswearingtoafalsehood.Ilookedforaloophole,buttheredidnotappeartobeany.InquiryNo.1coveredmycaseasgenerouslyandasamplyasanumbrellacouldcoveranant-hill:
Whatwereyourprofits,duringthepastyear,fromanytrade,business,orvocation,wherevercarriedon?Andthatinquirywasbackedupbythirteenothersofanequallysearchingnature,themostmodestofwhichrequiredinformationastowhetherIhadcommittedanyburglaryorhighwayrobbery,or,byanyarsonorothersecretsourcehadacquiredpropertywhichwasnotlistedinmystatementofincomeassetoppositetoinquiryNo.1.
Itwasplainthatthatstrangerhadenabledmetomakeagooseofmyself.Itwasvery,veryplain;Byworkingonmyvanity,thestrangerhadseducedmeintodeclaringanincomeoftwohundredandfourteenthousanddollars.Bylaw,onethousanddollarsofthiswasexemptfromincometax—theonlyreliefIcouldsee,anditwasonlyadropintheocean.Atthelegalfivepercent.,Imustpaytothegovernmentthesumoftenthousandsixhundredandfiftydollars,incometax![Imayremark,inthisplace,thatIdidnotdoit.]
Iamacquaintedwithaveryopulentman,whosehouseisapalace,whosetableisregal,whoseoutlaysareenormous,yetamanwhohasnoincome,asIhaveoftennoticedbytherevenuereturns;andtohimIwentforadviceinmydistress.Hetookmydreadfulexhibitionofreceipts,heputonhisglasses,hetookhispen,andpresto!—Iwasapauper!Itwastheneatestthingthateverwas.Hediditsimplybydeftlymanipulatingthebillof"DEDUCTIONS."Hesetdownmy"State,national,andmunicipaltaxes"atsomuch;my"lossesbyshipwreck;fire,etc.,"atsomuch;my"lossesonsalesofrealestate"—on"livestocksold"—on"paymentsforrentofhomestead"—on"repairs,improvements,interest"—on"previouslytaxedsalaryasanofficeroftheUnitedStatesarmy,navy,revenueservice,"andotherthings.Hegotastonishing"deductions"outofeachandeveryoneofthesematters—eachandeveryoneofthem.Andwhenhewasdonehehandedmethepaper,andIsawataglancethatduringtheyearmyincome,inthewayofprofits,hadbeenonethousandtwohundredandfiftydollarsandfortycents.

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"Now,"saidhe,