BreneBrown：Thepowerofvulnerability
So,I'llstartwiththis:acoupleyearsago,aneventplannercalledmebecauseIwasgoingtodoaspeakingevent.Andshecalled,andshesaid,I'mreallystrugglingwithhowtowriteaboutyouonthelittleflier.AndIthought,Well,what'sthestruggle?Andshesaid,Well,Isawyouspeak,andI'mgoingtocallyouaresearcher,Ithink,butI'mafraidifIcallyouaresearcher,noonewillcome,becausethey'llthinkyou'reboringandirrelevant.(LaughterAndIwaslike,Okay.Andshesaid,ButthethingIlikedaboutyourtalkisyou'reastoryteller.SoIthinkwhatI'lldoisjustcallyouastoryteller.Andofcourse,theacademic,insecurepartofmewaslike,You'regoingtocallmeawhat?Andshesaid,I'mgoingtocallyouastoryteller.AndIwaslike,Whynotmagicpixie?(LaughterIwaslike,Letmethinkaboutthisforasecond.Itriedtocalldeeponmycourage.AndIthought,youknow,Iamastoryteller.I'maqualitativeresearcher.Icollectstories;that'swhatIdo.Andmaybestoriesarejustdatawithasoul.AndmaybeI'mjustastoryteller.AndsoIsaid,Youknowwhat?Whydon'tyoujustsayI'maresearcher-storyteller.Andshewent,Haha.There'snosuchthing.(LaughterSoI'ma
researcher-storyteller,andI'mgoingtotalktoyoutoday--we're
talkingaboutexpandingperception--andsoIwanttotalktoyouandtellsomestoriesaboutapieceofmyresearchthat
fundamentallyexpandedmyperceptionandreallyactuallychangedthewaythatIliveandloveandworkandparent.
Andthisiswheremystorystarts.WhenIwasayoungresearcher,doctoralstudent,myfirstyearIhadaresearchprofessorwhosaidtous,Here'sthething,ifyoucannotmeasureit,itdoesnotexist.AndIthoughthewasjustsweet-talkingme.Iwaslike,Really?andhewaslike,Absolutely.AndsoyouhavetounderstandthatIhaveabachelor'sinsocialwork,amaster'sinsocialwork,andIwasgettingmyPh.D.insocialwork,somyentireacademiccareerwassurroundedbypeoplewhokindofbelievedinthelife'smessy,loveit.AndI'mmoreofthe,life'smessy,cleanitup,organizeitandputitintoabentobox.(LaughterAndsotothinkthatIhadfoundmyway,tofoundacareerthattakesme--really,oneofthebigsayingsinsocialworkis,Leanintothediscomfortofthework.AndI'mlike,knockdiscomfortupsidetheheadandmoveitoverandgetallA's.Thatwasmymantra.SoIwasveryexcitedaboutthis.AndsoIthought,youknowwhat,thisisthecareerforme,becauseIaminterestedinsomemessytopics.ButIwanttobeabletomakethem
notmessy.Iwanttounderstandthem.IwanttohackintothesethingsIknowareimportantandlaythecodeoutforeveryonetosee.
SowhereIstartedwaswithconnection.Because,bythetimeyou'reasocialworkerfor10years,whatyourealizeisthatconnectioniswhywe'rehere.It'swhatgivespurposeandmeaningtoourlives.Thisiswhatit'sallabout.Itdoesn'tmatterwhetheryoutalktopeoplewhoworkinsocialjusticeandmentalhealthandabuseandneglect,whatweknowisthatconnection,theabilitytofeelconnected,is--neurobiologicallythat'showwe'rewired--it'swhywe'rehere.SoIthought,youknowwhat,I'mgoingtostartwithconnection.Well,youknowthatsituationwhereyougetanevaluationfromyourboss,andshetellsyou37thingsyoudoreallyawesome,andonething--anopportunityfor
growth?(LaughterAndallyoucanthinkaboutisthatopportunity
forgrowth,right?Well,apparentlythisisthewaymyworkwentaswell,because,whenyouaskpeopleaboutlove,theytellyouaboutheartbreak.Whenyouaskpeopleaboutbelonging,they'lltellyoutheirmostexcruciatingexperiencesofbeingexcluded.Andwhenyouaskpeopleaboutconnection,thestoriestheytoldmewereaboutdisconnection.
Soveryquickly--reallyaboutsixweeksintothisresearch--IranintothisunnamedthingthatabsolutelyunraveledconnectioninawaythatIdidn'tunderstandorhadneverseen.AndsoIpulledbackoutoftheresearchandthought,Ineedtofigureoutwhatthisis.Anditturnedouttobeshame.Andshameisreallyeasilyunderstoodasthefearof
disconnection:Istheresomethingaboutmethat,ifotherpeopleknowitorseeit,thatIwon'tbeworthyofconnection?ThethingsIcantellyouaboutit:it'suniversal;weallhaveit.Theonlypeoplewhodon'texperienceshamehavenocapacityforhumanempathyorconnection.Noonewantstotalkaboutit,andthelessyoutalkaboutitthemoreyouhaveit.Whatunderpinnedthisshame,thisI'mnotgoodenough,--whichweallknowthatfeeling:I'mnotblankenough.I'mnotthinenough,richenough,beautifulenough,smart
enough,promotedenough.Thethingthatunderpinnedthiswasexcruciating
vulnerability,thisideaof,inorderforconnectiontohappen,wehavetoallowourselvestobeseen,reallyseen.
AndyouknowhowIfeelaboutvulnerability.Ihatevulnerability.AndsoIthought,thisismychancetobeatitbackwithmymeasuringstick.I'mgoingin,I'mgoingtofigurethisstuffout,I'mgoingtospendayear,I'mgoingtototallydeconstructshame,I'mgoingtounderstandhowvulnerabilityworks,andI'mgoingtooutsmartit.SoIwasready,andIwasreallyexcited.Asyouknow,it'snotgoingtoturnoutwell.(LaughterYouknowthis.So,Icouldtellyoualotaboutshame,butI'dhavetoborroweveryoneelse'stime.Buthere'swhatIcantellyouthatitboilsdownto--andthismaybeoneofthemostimportantthingsthatI'veeverlearnedinthedecadeofdoingthisresearch.Myoneyearturnedintosixyears:thousandsofstories,hundredsoflong
interviews,focusgroups.Atonepoint,peopleweresendingmejournalpagesandsendingmetheirstories--thousandsofpiecesofdatainsixyears.AndIkindofgotahandleonit.
Ikindofunderstood,thisiswhatshameis,thisishowitworks.Iwroteabook,Ipublishedatheory,butsomethingwasnotokay--andwhatitwasisthat,ifIroughlytookthepeopleIinterviewedanddividedthemintopeoplewhoreallyhaveasenseofworthiness--that'swhatthiscomesdownto,asenseofworthiness--theyhaveastrongsenseofloveandbelonging--andfolkswhostruggleforit,andfolkswhoarealwayswonderingifthey'regoodenough.Therewasonlyonevariablethatseparatedthepeoplewhohaveastrongsenseofloveandbelongingandthepeoplewhoreallystruggleforit.Andthatwas,thepeoplewhohaveastrongsenseofloveandbelongingbelievethey'reworthyofloveandbelonging.That'sit.Theybelievethey'reworthy.Andtome,thehardpartoftheonethingthatkeepsusoutofconnectionisourfearthatwe'renotworthyofconnection,wassomethingthat,personallyand
professionally,IfeltlikeIneededtounderstandbetter.SowhatIdidisItookalloftheinterviewswhereIsawworthiness,whereIsawpeoplelivingthatway,andjustlookedatthose.
Whatdothesepeoplehaveincommon?Ihaveaslightofficesupplyaddiction,butthat'sanothertalk.SoIhadamanilafolder,andIhad
a
Sharpie,andIwaslike,whatamIgoingtocallthisresearch?Andthefirstwordsthatcametomymindwerewhole-hearted.Thesearewhole-heartedpeople,livingfromthisdeepsenseofworthiness.SoIwroteatthetopofthemanilafolder,andIstartedlookingatthedata.Infact,Ididitfirstinafour-dayveryintensivedataanalysis,whereIwentback,pulledtheseinterviews,pulledthestories,pulledtheincidents.What'sthetheme?What'sthepattern?MyhusbandlefttownwiththekidsbecauseIalwaysgointothisJacksonPollockcrazything,whereI'mjustlikewritingandinmyresearchermode.Andsohere'swhatIfound.Whattheyhadincommonwasasenseofcourage.AndIwanttoseparatecourageandbraveryforyouforaminute.Courage,theoriginaldefinitionofcourage,whenitfirstcameintotheEnglishlanguage--it'sfromtheLatinwordcor,meaningheart--andtheoriginaldefinitionwastotellthestoryofwhoyouarewithyourwholeheart.Andsothesefolkshad,very 